The “Unforgiveness”

Forgiveness.

for·give·ness

ˌfərˈɡivnəs/

noun

noun: forgiveness; plural noun: forgivenesses

  1. the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

“she is quick to ask forgiveness when she has overstepped the line”

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I’m struggling with forgiveness for something that I’ve already “gotten over”.  Guess I haven’t fully wrapped my brain around it because recently the subject matter of a particular situation has come to the surface again and challenged me.  Challenged me to rise above and swallow my pride once again.

I suppose forgiveness is just a practice that one has to learn to deal with and practice to get good at.  You can think you’ve come to terms with something/someone and have it creep back in all of a sudden.  At least that is what’s happening to me as of late.

It’s learning to let go of what we cannot control and yet even when we do, there is pain involved.  So, how does one live with said pain?  When it creeps back in and we re-live the injustice in our mind.  The pain pops up all fresh and as if someone just poured salt in the wound.

It’s reminding yourself that life is not always fair and that sometimes we live with pain.  Pain that won’t kill you but “make you stronger”.  I don’t feel it’s made me stronger.  I’ve learned to let it go but I just cannot stand when it creeps back in and all the fear, anger, and sadness returns just to have to be swallowed back down again.

I always try to remind myself that Jesus died on the cross for my sins; and that if I want Him to forgive me my sins ~ that I have to forgive others for their sins against me.  It’s the way it works.  He says so in the Lord’s Prayer:

forgiveness3

“Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”.  I always try to break down that prayer and remind myself of exactly what each passage means.  I also have to nudge myself into the reality that I’m far from perfect and have caused my own pain against others as well.

I’ve apologized for my wrong doings.  I’ve tried to make amends.  What happens when someone intentionally hurts you and doesn’t even try to apologize or make amends?  That’s what I’m living with.  Learning to live with the apology that I never received or never will for that matter.  What if you have someone in your life holding you to your sins and not even considering the fact that you have changed for the better?  Reminding you of your weakness and telling you that you’re no good?

There are times I just want to scream to the world, “It’s not fair!” but it would fall on deaf ears because in this life there are bigger woes.  Someone not forgiving me for something they perceived I did or am is not the end of the world, but why does it hurt so much?

To hold a grudge, or to get upset about something that has happened in the past that seems unfair is only hurting myself.  I just wish things were different.  They don’t have to be this way, life is too short to spend arguing or fighting, or “he said, she said” – or worse, being wiped out of someone’s life forever for something so small and petty.  This whole tit for tat thing is highly overrated and I guess I’m better off in the end.  I don’t want to fight or have to defend myself.  I said I was sorry.  The other person did not say sorry for their part, in fact, they denied they had any part at all.  Must be nice being perfect.

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But, I think it would be nicer to be able to forgive, to let go of the negativity.  Some things were not meant to be but I think it’s even harder when family is involved.  I want to dot the I’s and cross the t’s.  I want justice and I want the other person to admit their wrongs also.  Living with the pain from the apology that you never received.  I wonder if this person will ever wake up and realize they are not perfect.  That they have caused pain and suffering to others?

I hope one day she takes a good hard look in the mirror and recalls that just because someone hurt her, does not give her the right to crush them back.  It seems the better road there would have been for her to be mature and straightforward as the events unfolded and shared her feelings but instead she decided to be passive aggressive and just take the easy road.

She told me “who I am” and I’m here to say that ONLY I know who I am.  I’m not going to let someone else define me based on a misunderstanding and hurt feelings.  I’m not going to stop being my awesome self just because she walked away.  She’s just missing out on the new and improved version of myself.  I am constantly evolving and growing.  She will remain stagnant.

So, living with “unforgiveness” is a hard little pill to swallow but I’d rather be strong in my growth game than going back and forth with someone that cannot see beyond themselves.  It’s sad but it’s a reality.

I suppose the bottom line is to count my blessings – the many, many, blessings that I have in my life and thank and praise Jesus Christ my Savior for bestowing them on me and reminding myself that life is not perfect, it’s what you make of it.

The “unforgiveness” is the hardest of all I think.  Time to put it back into it’s place- the dark corners of my mind and hopefully they will stay where they belong.  Or perhaps I should pray to God to shine a light on those dark corners and free me once and for all.

God bless!  XOXOX

a11111

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