I hate OCD! I’m sick of having it. I’m sick of it being around but grateful for the meds I do take to “control” it, I suppose it could be much worse.
The unwanted, intrusive thoughts as I lay down every morning after work are just overwhelming to the point of throwing me into a panic attack. If I’m lucky I can deep breath or take a Klonopin to ward that off from happening but the whole episode every morning gets old. It just happens when I lay down to go to bed and my thoughts are racing.
Imagine how you’d feel if you had a disturbing thought (something awful happening to your loved one) but it felt REAL. As you are thinking about it, you start to zone into the thought and it’s almost “movie like” – you become entranced in the negative thought until it becomes so awful that you “Ahhhhh!” gasp and almost “wake” out of it. Your heart is pounding, you tell yourself “This is STUPID! It’s not going to happen! This is ridiculous, you are okay!” and before you know it you are entranced in another deep thought about a potentially dangerous awful situation with another one of your loved ones.
It could be an innocent thought that starts out with me, taking my granddaughter for a drive to run errands and end up with me crashing the car and her dying. I could be taking her on a nature walk and she could walk right off a tall cliff and fall to her death. It’s this innate fear of something bad happening to someone I love so much with all my heart and I’m usually plucked out of the thought by a huge gasp and the realization that my thoughts are going down the drain and I need to regain control. Before you know it, I’m stuck in another bad dream and this repeats itself over and over until I finally YELL at myself to STOP IT! I usually take meds and meditatively pray like there is no tomorrow to shun the thoughts from my brain.
I count things. I count my steps mostly. I count all the time. It relaxes me and makes me feel safe. I have to leave the house every single night for work at the same time, take the same route and follow my same routine (stopping off at McDonalds to get a sweet tea) and always arriving at the same time, walk into work at the same time, and get my desk all set up and organized at the same time. It’s all about routine.
OCD is an evil bitch. I hate it. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m sick to death of it but I have to keep telling myself that what transpires from it- this incredible fear of “things” is just a lie. FEAR IS A LIE. I have to work on this to manage my symptoms better. I can take a part in making myself better- medication is not the answer for everything, it only partially helps. I have to do my part and send my brain the correct messages! I have to catch my thoughts before they take over and calm and sooth myself.
Do you suffer from OCD? What are some of the “tics” that happen to you and what do you do to help yourself overcome them? This is definitely something that I need to work on.