I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but when it comes to matters of the heart I’m wise beyond my years. I wonder why that is? I think it’s because I’ve overcome so many hardships in my life and I never want to see anyone suffer the way that I have. When I see someone down or they come to me for advice I’m always there to lend and ear and let them know what I think. My cause is to build that person up and make them feel better, to make them realize just how beautiful and special they are.
I’ve been down, I’ve been confused, and I’ve also been blessed with good people in my life that were there to mentor me. These blessed people are in my life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. The reason was to lift me up when I had no direction but they never “told” me what to do, they just showed me the way by leading by example. The season was perfect timing because I needed to see the examples and apply them to my own life which worked wonders. The lifetime is just that, friends that I will cherish for my lifetime. I thank them for being there for me when I needed to make sense of the riot going on in my head.
I know what it’s like to be picked on, to be left out, to be ignored, and to be “not forgiven”. I know what it’s like to be abandon and I know the pain it caused me was immense. I never want anyone to feel that way and maybe that’s why I am constantly there to rally for the underdog.
I’ve learned something key along the way in my life. That nobody owes me a darn thing. That I only have myself to count on for my own happiness. I can choose to be happy. It is a choice and one that I make daily. I have faced the demons of my past, I’ve looked them right in the face and bitch slapped them into a new dimension. I survived. I am a survivor. I attribute this to the good friends and their lead examples of humanity. They raised me up when I was down and brought me some peace. It was a culmination of all that good advice and leadership that taught me “how to be” over the years and I could feel myself evolving along the way. How to be more self-confident, knowledgeable of the fact that I do belong, I do count, and I do matter. They taught me that I am a child of God and that I’m special in his eyes, he made me different and unique.
I took my uniqueness and ran away from the crowd that was bringing me down. I ran like the wind and disassociated myself with anyone negative in an effort to free myself. I took accountability for the hurt and pain that I myself have caused. I’ve made amends. I have forgiven myself and learned most importantly to forgive those that have hurt me. I still cannot stand by and watch someone else in pain. I’m always here for those in need. I know what it feels like, I genuinely know that gut-wrenching pain of feeling worthless, or feeling so stuck under there is no way up.
How sad is it that it has taken me a lifetime to figure all of this out? On the flip-side, many go their whole lives and never put it together so I’m grateful that even though it took a long time for the light to go on, at least it did. It’s shining through me everyday and I’m growing and evolving every day. Do I have set-backs? Yes, I do. Usually once a month when I get a visit from Aunt Flow (when I get my period) and I back-slide into oblivion where it takes a few days for me to come out of it. I’m still grateful that I am able to pull myself out of it.
There was a time when I felt bad most of the time and only good a few times a month. Now that’s reversed. So, if I can be there to point out what’s obvious to me about someone else- something positive, I’m going to do it every chance I get. I believe that love is what makes this world go around and I’m all about helping people see the bigger picture.
For those of you struggling with your self-esteem, self-worth, depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and more- I’ve been there. I still am there but there are a few things you should know. That you are important. You do matter. You are not alone. You are loved and cherished. God made you special and unique; don’t change that for anyone. You are a beautiful human being going through something that not many can understand, but there are those out there who do understand exactly what you are going through. You are just as worthy as the next guy. You may not see your beauty right now, but it’s there- and you are just as equal as anyone else. You count. People only see what you appear to be, they cannot see your hurt crippled feelings so don’t let them deter you from trying to live a normal life because you deserve it just as much as anyone else. Do not be afraid to seek professional help, it’s there for a reason and has done wonders for me. It’s a safe place where you can vent and get coping techniques that truly do work. Read self-help books and become educated. Knowledge is power.
I am on meds, and I will be for the rest of my life for the debilitating mental health struggles that I face on a daily basis, but there is hope. The right Rx, the right Dr., and the right therapist can work wonders. Surrounding yourself with only excellent, positive people will put you on the right path to recovery. Recently I urged someone I love very much to get professional help and in only 2 months her progress has been immense. I’m so proud of her and all that she has faced but she’s coming along and on the right road to recovery. Facing and letting go of the past is especially difficult and I was able to overcome that by seeking help. My memory was so bad I actually believed that I had early onset Alzheimer’s disease. Turns out it is caused by my PTSD. Now knowing what I’m dealing with was 1/2 the battle. I’m able to remember things much better, my short term memory has improved dramatically and I’m hopeful.
God is good. God doesn’t expect you to be perfect, he expects you to be you- in all your uniqueness. God is gentle and kind, he forgives all as long as you believe in him and are truly sorry for your transgressions. He is perfect. We are not. I like to think of Him on one side of a diving line, and humans on the other. He is perfect, all he asks is that we try to live in his likeness and be more like him. Sometimes things happen that are not our fault and we feel guilt and shame. God knows it was not your fault and he loves you. He forgives you and wants to see you do better. God made you as a gift, to love yourself is showing him the utmost respect and gratitude for his gift. Be grateful and be thankful that you are here. Life is good and you will get there if you keep working at it. If you ever feel alone, please do not feel ashamed to reach out for help- it’s always there.