Ebb & Flow

Written by Annebella

Yass!  It’s that time of the month where I talk about getting my period again.  Ebb and Flow, as in “Aunt Flow”- LOL!  Why?  Because it affects me so negatively.  Last Saturday I had such big dreams and ambitions about getting things done around the house but low and behold “PMDD” or “PMS” (whatever you want to call it) hit me like a mac truck.  It was the nicest day of the year thus far, 80 degrees and sunny with a warm breeze.  I couldn’t physically get out of bed because my ovaries hurt, my boobs were tender and painful, and I had a headache, and I though my back went out.  I had no idea that it was PMS, it just felt like depression because the emotional symptoms were worse than my physical symptoms.  My desire to get out of bed and get going was gone.  Nil, None, Zero, Zilch.

period

I layed there crying.  I felt hopeless, worthless, and like a pure failure.  I felt ugly; hideous.  I felt like hiding under the covers for the entire day but it was already 11a.m. when the hubs called to check in on me and see what I was up to.  When I told him I was still in bed he was shocked!  He told me to get out of bed and enjoy this beautiful day.  I just began to cry, to sob and tell him that I didn’t feel good.  He knows what that means.  I stayed in bed until about 1pm that afternoon.

When he came home he asked me when my period was due.  I said, “NOT UNTIL OUR ANNIVERSARY” which is the 26th.  He looks at me, smiles, and says, “That’s in 7 days!” and I couldn’t believe it.  It was my damn period.  A huge sigh of relief swept over me because I thought I had fallen into a deep pit of depression.  It was comforting to know that even though I was highly uncomfortable, that at least this storm would pass.  I’m usually my very worst approximately 7-8 days before I actually get my period.

Does ANYONE out there go through the same thing or at least something similar?  It gets so bad that I cannot even go into work sometimes.  I have to take a “physical pain” and “emotional” day off to re-group and get back on my feet.  I cannot tell my boss that but even though I’m in dire physical pain, I think the emotional pain is worse.  The fear, the paranoia, the low self-esteem, the not wanting to be around anymore, the heavy depression and anxiety.  I swear, all I want to do is bury my head in the sand, and cry.

Is this just something taboo to talk about?  Or do you feel uncomfortable leaving a comment talking about your menstrual cycle?  If so, please don’t feel embarrassed.  I write about it all the time because it comes and wreaks havoc on me each and every single month.  Maybe once and a blue moon I will have little to no symptoms but each time it catches me off guard and I even have the “period tracker” app on my phone.  So, you’d think I’d know it was coming and how to deal- yet I don’t.

I recently read this article in “The Sun“.  “UK company’s new ‘period policy’ set to give women time off work during their monthly cycle”.  Beautiful that they are recognizing the pain and agony that some women suffer each month.

Don’t know if it’s true or not but it’s definitely something I believe is a positive. I realize that not every woman suffers but some do, like me- and it’s kinda like the difference between someone getting a headache that can be fixed with a Tylenol and a severe Migraine that requires Rx, a dark room, an ice pack on your head, and no noise whatsoever.  That’s the difference between PMS and PMDD to me.  I have never been diagnosed with PMDD because each time I’ve brought it up to my Dr., I get brushed off as if it’s no big deal or not even possible.  The last Dr. said, “You wont have to worry about that for much longer” referring to my symptoms because I’m 46 and should go through menopause soon, seriously?  Seriously.

  

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4 thoughts on “Ebb & Flow

  1. I go through the same but I didn’t always. It started just before I got pregnant with our youngest. I went in for my first ob/gyn appt and they poked and swabbed like they do when you find out you’re carrying a gift you didn’t know you needed! The tests came back and they wanted to swab again. A month passed and I heard “Don’t be afraid but you have some large lesions on your cervix. We can remove them but it could cause you to lose your baby.”…yeah ok no worries there! I chose to wait until six weeks postpartum and ended up needing a D&C first because I was still bleeding. They found placenta still attached and had to remove it. Waited 6 more weeks. Went in for another pap and they sent me to surgery a few days later. Almost all of my cervix was removed as I had stage one cervical cancer. It grew too fast because of hormones. When I have PMS it’s like my body completely fails me. All your symptoms are my symptoms. It sucks. And after the surgery it’s worse than ever.

    1. Omgeeee, what a nightmare- I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that Bits! Amazing that we share this in common, this monthly battle- maybe if we blog regularly we’ll get in sync with one another (lol) and then we can have a bitch fest together? Sounds like a plan to me.

      1. Planning right now lol smh…I start in a few days. I’m just glad I’m not dying lol…cuz you know with GAD and OCD comes panic and extreme over thinkin’!

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