Written by Annebella
HE SAVED ME:
I have a tattoo on the center of my upper back that reads: “Scott” and underneath is written “God Made You Just For Me”. Scott is my husband of 25 years. I truly believe with every fiber of my being that this is a truth.
I wonder if he’ll ever know how true this is? Or how I feel it in the depths of my soul? Or how it’s imprinted on my back for all eternity because I meant it when I had it put on? Or how important it is to me and the significance behind it?
Just in case he doesn’t know I’ll let him know exactly why it’s there.
It’s there because he literally saved my life. He fits me like a puzzle – I’m made up of two pieces and he’s the other half that completes me.
He had no idea what he was getting into when he married me, or did he? He knew I was feisty and immature (that had to be apparent), but did he really know the hold depression and anxiety had on me? No, I don’t believe so but he stood by my side and watched me become whole. To say that was a long journey is an understatement.
I was an immature 21 when we married. I had NO self-esteem and no self-worth. I was ashamed and confused. I didn’t even fully trust him when we were first married because all my other relationships were so unhealthy. I tried to catch him doing wrong but nope, never once did he falter. I was convinced that he would leave me. I tried to push him away, I tried to fight with him but instead of the “usual” unhealthy stomping around and ignoring him for days (which is what I would have done in the past) he wouldn’t let me fight with him. He’d question me or make me laugh right on the spot and the fight would vanish. This was all new to me and a much welcomed resolve. Who was this man I married?
He was genuine, strong, loving, caring, understanding, a great listener but most of all; gave great advice. He always wanted me to have the best of everything. He encouraged my independence, hobbies and interests. This was a first in my life. He wasn’t jealous of others getting close to me. He wanted me to go out and have a good time and have friends. He loved my family. When we had our first child; it became even more obvious that we were #1 in his life. He worked a hundred hours a week to support us and still gave of himself selflessly. He was a proud man, proud of his wife and son. But still, I was drowning in depression from an unresolved childhood trauma and suffered OCD and anxiety as well. This went undiagnosed for a long time because it was the norm for me to feel this way on the inside.
As time went on I was able to trust him completely because he showed me he was trustworthy through not only his words; but his actions. He turned out to be the best friend I have ever had. I could trust him with my life and began to share with him and he could see my struggle. I sought help and soon began the LONG process of healing. It was a long and arduous process but he “tried” to understand. What does that mean “tried”? It means that he cared enough to try to get inside my head and help me heal. How hard must that be for someone who doesn’t have depression and anxiety to even begin to TRY to understand what a person with mental illness goes through? He would have a bad day or moment and shake it off. He is solid as a rock but he would see me depressed for no apparent reason and hang in there with me while I would try to explain it ~ now that takes an immeasurable amount of courage and love. I think a lot of times people misunderstand mental illness because if they don’t suffer themselves, they cannot wrap their brain around it but he TRIED. And in doing so he basically watched me “grow up” right before his eyes. He knew I had suicidal tendencies and was there for me. When times were bad I knew he was always in my corner and I could call on him ~ he ALWAYS knew exactly what to say and he had the ability to make me feel “not alone” and not so scared.
Through the years I’ve had many ups and downs. I feel like I was on a journey to figuring out who and what I am made of. I had to re-learn everything I’d been taught. I had to learn my self-worth and he was the one that built it all up. If I ever felt unsure he was there to remind me of how wonderful I am.
Thinking back on all that I’ve been through, I’m amazed at what a ROCK he has been in my life. He is the reason I am alive today. He is the reason I want to be alive today. He is the reason I’m genuinely happy for the first time in my life and I see the good in the world instead of the woe. I can breathe a lot easier these days. I can get excited about things. I know I’m not perfect but he loves that I’m not. He loves that I can be a hot mess and he loves me when I have my act together.
Everything good that I am I attribute to him and I thank God for sending me exactly what I needed. God looks out for me. This I know. These days I’m still a work in progress but I know who I am and am making strides daily. I am more happy than sad, I’m more upbeat and look forward to my life. I’m grateful to Scott for all that he has done for me and continues to do. I can still tell him when I’m having a bad day and I’ve learned that just because you have a set-back, or a bad day- doesn’t mean you have a bad life. I’m more “even” than ever before. We are enjoying each other as our kids are grown. I would do anything for him and could never thank him enough for being the stand-up man that he has been to and for me. He knows how much I love him because I tell him every chance I get but I hope he knows how much I appreciate all that he’s done for me to make me be okay. He has protected me through all these years of turmoil and I can finally see what’s right in front of us; just a happy future.
I’m so lucky and blessed. Scott, if you are reading this, just know that I know God made you just for me and thank you for saving me. I love you with all my heart. You are my best friend and I adore you babe.