Written by Annebella
The most difficult time in my life would be right after we had our first child. I didn’t know it but was suffering from severe depression (post-partum?) and anxiety. I had continual thoughts of suicide. I was just not right in the head. I felt like I deserved this torture, I couldn’t see past my day-to-day feelings. I didn’t seek help nor did I talk about my problems to anyone because I seriously didn’t think I deserved any better. Here I had this beautiful, sweet, new baby boy and I felt like such a major failure. I wanted to sleep all the time, I had crying jags that lasted for hours, and the only relief I got was going to my older sister’s house during the day to divert my attention – and it worked. I cleaned her house, babysat for her kids, hung out with her and drank copious amounts of coffee. Then I’d go home to my lie. I was a good mom but inside was just feeling like crawling out of my skin. The problem was with me.
This same sister turned her back on me and didn’t want to see me get ahead in any way, shape, or form. This compounded my confusion especially at this fragile time in my life. Heartbreaking to have to write because I was close to her and she screwed with me every chance she got and I was in a highly emotional state.
She’ll never know the damage she had caused. Yes, I have moved on but looking back at my life- that was the worst time because I needed help and guidance and all I got was jealousy and her “one upping” me. I thought it was my fault somehow until I slowly (and I mean slowly) figured out her game and put an end to it. We have not spoken since. That was 20+ years ago. Things will never mend. I have forgiven her and hold no hate in my heart but she is a stubborn mule. I see her from time to time and she wont even look in my direction. Today it doesn’t bother me one bit. Life has moved on, but back in the day that was definitely my most difficult time.