It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the time to write.  Ever since fb has taken over the world wide web, it seems to be “the place” where everyone goes to check-in and share; including myself.  Writing is more than a status update or a comment.  It’s a way of excavating the crud from ones mind.

I’ve been out of the loop for 2 months due to a crisis in my life.  Even being out of work for 2 months and having that break from the reality that surrounds me wasn’t quite enough but I’m trying with all my might to get back to some semblance of my old self.  I’ll never be my old self because I’ve changed so much but to at least get to where I’m participating in life would be a huge accomplishment for me.  Slowly but surely I’ve managed to crawl out of this shell.

I’ve suffered from depression since I can remember.  It took a turn for the worse for internal reasons.  A toxic work environment didn’t help but wasn’t the main cause.  I tell ya, it’s exhausting to have so much on my mind.  I look around and just cannot see the “point” of all of this.  Yes, I have enjoyment in my life but there are still those lingering, nagging thoughts that at times make me feel like I can no longer go on.  I’m on a good med regimen from a good Psych Doc that’s being closely monitored and seeing a new therapist.  I was in the in-patient program for a while and that was helpful.  Helpful in the sense of being surrounded by people with the same disease and getting real information that made me feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.  People that understand that massive depression, PTSD, anxiety, and OCD are not “circumstantial” issues.  They are caused by an actual chemical imbalance in the brain.

It’s not like I have an abusive husband and am sad about it.  It’s not like I lost a loved one, crashed my car, or lost my job and am sad over it.  It’s NOT caused by an incident *a happy or sad one*.   It’s legitimately caused by an imbalance in my brain.

I wish everyone could try to get educated on what depression is.  One person told me he had been depressed and read a lot of books and I should do the same.  Would he tell that to someone that was diagnosed with breast cancer?  Of course not.  Reading books is not going to cure someone with depression or breast cancer.  I’m glad his bout of sadness/depression lifted and he found something to help him.  Newsflash!  I do read, I draw, I sing, I have a great family life and ONLY excellent friends, I walk my dogs, and have hobbies.  Newsflash!  I hadn’t left my house in a year.  I was sleeping for days on end and lashing out at people in anger for over a year.  All the things I use to do to “get by” or fake it were no longer working for me.  Reading a book was not going to pull me out of that hole.  I’ve had people tell me, “I don’t believe in depression” or “you just need to snap out of it”.  I cannot imagine telling someone that has a disease to “Just snap out of it”.

Then, my brain took that ugly turn.  The derailed train of thoughts of ending my life came pouring in and I just could not shake it.  Relenting and reoccurring thoughts, feelings of hopelessness and feeling worthless.  Once that BIG black cloud settled, it did not want to leave this time and I actually called my GP to say I was in distress.  She sent me to the E.R. where I was “taken care of”.  Then the day program at BHS which was grueling and tiresome but extremely educational.  I was reminded that I was clearly not alone and that I had a lot of work to do on my end.  I had an epiphany of sorts while there and have been trying to stay on the right train of thought ever since and so far, with the help of all new anti-psychotic meds, family support, and GOOD friends have been more successful.

I have ups and downs.  One quote that I try to tell myself when down is, “Just because you had a bad day doesn’t mean you have a bad life”.

There is no magic pill or cure.  I have a lot of work to do.  Anyone with a disease has work to do on their part.  Whether it’s reducing stress, eating healthier, or even cognitive re-construction….  we all have to take a part in our recovery.  I’m trying.  It’s a start.

Thank you to my wonderful husband for loving me, for my family and especially for my friends that have been there for me.  I don’t know what I would have done without your support!



6 thoughts on “M.I.A.

  1. It is work. Hard work. The best part is I know deep down you can do this! Bad days are just that a bad day. It doesn’t mean we have to let it turn into a bad week, month or year. I’m proud of you.
    It is super hard. I’m doing it. Making myself get out and also not allowing myself to sleep ALL DAY LONG. Nobody does that. It’s not normal and it’s not right and I have to help myself. Thank you. That means the world coming from you. XOXOXOXO

  2. I’m glad you got the help you needed and you have such a loving and supportive family. Taking things one day at a time is all you can do. You have my love and support all the way! Love you!
    I am trying MelMel. I do have a loving and supportive family and good friends. I will try to remember to take it one day at a time and I thank you for your friendship, it means a lot to me. It always will.

  3. I’m so excited to see you BLOGGING! Yay, yay, yay. It has to be chemical because you are one of the most multi talented, amazingly gifted people, with such a lovely family it’s completely unusual, and otherwise you’d be looking in the mirror daily thinking “Seriously, it’s incredible to be me,” & cracking up until you fell over.
    Pammy, do you still write? I swear, you could just publish your daily status’s from fb. So, you’re saying I have this all backwards? LOL, ROFLMAO! YOu just made me laugh again! Thank you my sweet heart 🙂

  4. imbalances of the brain is a hell of it’s own that many will not understand. I suffer from it too and know a LOT of what you speak of. I slept through 2 years of my kids lives. That part will haunt me to the end. I have more anxiety than depression but it plays the same kind of havoc on a person’s day to day living …everyday we have to get out of bed and think of 1 thing that makes life worth living. I look at my 2 adult children and that’s the reason most days .
    PS ..the next person that tells me “just get over it” …THROAT PUNCH WILL BE FORTHCOMING!
    Right? Just get over it, or read a book for Pete’s sake! Yeah, that will do the trick. If I just get over it. I hate people for the most part because they are so self-centered and ignorant. Again, hanging around with good people is what pulls me through. I always have your back too. That goes for the whole lot of you!

  5. As my dear friends know, it’s mostly the wildly creative and smart people who end up with certain mental illnesses. I have been there and fight it daily. Like Lisa, I spent the better part of two years sleeping my life away. Antidepressants and counseling pulled me through it. Having people in your life who love and understand is vital!
    You are blessed, as was I, with those people.
    And I love Lisa’s Last sentence! You are all wonderful!
    Anne, my dear sweet friend, we “got your back”, darlin’!
    This means a lot to me Trisha. I know you are all there day in and day out and if it gets really bad, then I can head over to our place. I have a niece and her hubs that make fun of my “blogging friends” and ya know what? It’s sad that she doesn’t understand or have what I have. Sad. I mean to say, I feel sorry for her. She’ll never get it. I’m the lucky one and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love you T! And B too!

  6. I remember the Wasband telling me to just pull up my boots by the straps or some such nonsense. That changed when he got depression. I still take Zoloft because I’m scared to death to get off it and end up in the same place again. I really hope your meds help. I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy. I’m glad you have a good support system. That really helps. I had my sister who had been through it too. We were on the depressed buddy system. Just keep reminding yourself that you’re fine it’s just your brain that’s fucked. On second thought, that’s probably not helpful but drugs are. At least the right ones are. I love you even with your messy brain.
    Joan, that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me before – heeeeeheeee. How can I not get better with the EXCELLENT friends that I do have. I do admit, I only surround myself with exceptional friends that are not negative nellie’s all the damn time. I seem to find friends that are far more intelligent than I, with super great passions that I learn from. I love you all so much!

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