M.I.A.

It’s been a long time since I’ve taken the time to write.  Ever since fb has taken over the world wide web, it seems to be “the place” where everyone goes to check-in and share; including myself.  Writing is more than a status update or a comment.  It’s a way of excavating the crud from ones mind.

I’ve been out of the loop for 2 months due to a crisis in my life.  Even being out of work for 2 months and having that break from the reality that surrounds me wasn’t quite enough but I’m trying with all my might to get back to some semblance of my old self.  I’ll never be my old self because I’ve changed so much but to at least get to where I’m participating in life would be a huge accomplishment for me.  Slowly but surely I’ve managed to crawl out of this shell.

I’ve suffered from depression since I can remember.  It took a turn for the worse for internal reasons.  A toxic work environment didn’t help but wasn’t the main cause.  I tell ya, it’s exhausting to have so much on my mind.  I look around and just cannot see the “point” of all of this.  Yes, I have enjoyment in my life but there are still those lingering, nagging thoughts that at times make me feel like I can no longer go on.  I’m on a good med regimen from a good Psych Doc that’s being closely monitored and seeing a new therapist.  I was in the in-patient program for a while and that was helpful.  Helpful in the sense of being surrounded by people with the same disease and getting real information that made me feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.  People that understand that massive depression, PTSD, anxiety, and OCD are not “circumstantial” issues.  They are caused by an actual chemical imbalance in the brain.

It’s not like I have an abusive husband and am sad about it.  It’s not like I lost a loved one, crashed my car, or lost my job and am sad over it.  It’s NOT caused by an incident *a happy or sad one*.   It’s legitimately caused by an imbalance in my brain.

I wish everyone could try to get educated on what depression is.  One person told me he had been depressed and read a lot of books and I should do the same.  Would he tell that to someone that was diagnosed with breast cancer?  Of course not.  Reading books is not going to cure someone with depression or breast cancer.  I’m glad his bout of sadness/depression lifted and he found something to help him.  Newsflash!  I do read, I draw, I sing, I have a great family life and ONLY excellent friends, I walk my dogs, and have hobbies.  Newsflash!  I hadn’t left my house in a year.  I was sleeping for days on end and lashing out at people in anger for over a year.  All the things I use to do to “get by” or fake it were no longer working for me.  Reading a book was not going to pull me out of that hole.  I’ve had people tell me, “I don’t believe in depression” or “you just need to snap out of it”.  I cannot imagine telling someone that has a disease to “Just snap out of it”.

Then, my brain took that ugly turn.  The derailed train of thoughts of ending my life came pouring in and I just could not shake it.  Relenting and reoccurring thoughts, feelings of hopelessness and feeling worthless.  Once that BIG black cloud settled, it did not want to leave this time and I actually called my GP to say I was in distress.  She sent me to the E.R. where I was “taken care of”.  Then the day program at BHS which was grueling and tiresome but extremely educational.  I was reminded that I was clearly not alone and that I had a lot of work to do on my end.  I had an epiphany of sorts while there and have been trying to stay on the right train of thought ever since and so far, with the help of all new anti-psychotic meds, family support, and GOOD friends have been more successful.

I have ups and downs.  One quote that I try to tell myself when down is, “Just because you had a bad day doesn’t mean you have a bad life”.

There is no magic pill or cure.  I have a lot of work to do.  Anyone with a disease has work to do on their part.  Whether it’s reducing stress, eating healthier, or even cognitive re-construction….  we all have to take a part in our recovery.  I’m trying.  It’s a start.

Thank you to my wonderful husband for loving me, for my family and especially for my friends that have been there for me.  I don’t know what I would have done without your support!

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