Relationships and Forgiveness

So many things have been running through my mind.  Friendships is one the biggest things I grapple with.  Let me start off by saying that I see myself as a funny, kind, loving, friend who would bend over backwards for someone who I care about.  Hey, I’d even bend for someone I don’t know.

I’ve never had a problem making/keeping friends my entire life.  I was pretty easy-going.  I was also a people pleaser.  Maybe that’s why I never had a problem.  Fast forward until I began my 30’s.  Yeah, had some pretty tough “Friendship lessons”.

I would make a friend and put them on a pedestal.  Almost mesmerized by all of their excellent qualities.  Throw out the window that people go out of their way to shine through first impressions.  Forget that other people would warn me, “Something is not right there”.  Red flags?  Ignored.  Forge ahead until I shared too much, got too close, trusted to much, and put my heart out on the chopping block.

I went through this quite a few times, giving a little bit of my heart away each time.  My kids would get attached to these newish friends, I would talk about them often in our home and my husband and kids felt like they knew them just through my stories.  Then to be shocked at the aftermath of an ugly fall out.

image

That was 10 years ago.  Fast forward to the person I have become today.  Not only have I become bitter about dealing with issues from my childhood, heap on this assault of “friends”.  You know that old saying, “With a friend like that, who needs enemies?”.  ALL THOSE OLD SAYINGS ARE THERE FOR A REASON.

I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.  I have been burned.  Scorched actually over the years and my tolerance level is at rock bottom.

So, I don’t know if I’m grappling so much with friendship, or forgiveness?  I’m starting to think it has more to do with my inability to forgive rather than the number of friends and family that have “hurt” me.

We are all just human.  We all make mistakes.  Yet, why cannot I not put things to rest?  First it started with friends.  Not the end of the world, not life long friends, just acquaintances from work that turned out to be the type of people I didn’t want to hang out with outside of work.

image

Then, my longtime best friend and I have become distant.  We met in kindergarten.

Then, slowly – one by one, picking off my family members.  Not randomly.  Just maybe years of pent-up hurt and resentment, then they pull another stunt and snap!  Another one bites the dust.

The thing is, I don’t know if a single one of them could ever be sorry enough to be in my good graces again.  What is it that I’m looking for from them?  I’ve written them off so much so, that when I think of them on occasion, or their name comes up – for a brief moment I wonder, … or think, remember when we use to be so close and all of the laughter and good times?  It lasts for about 10 seconds and suddenly the thoughts are smothered with a black tarp, covering it up and kicking it too.  And I’m thankful that they are out of my life.  WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

I’m protecting myself, but from what?I

I know that what friends and family have done to me ARE forgivable.  But I don’t know how I ever will be able to because what’s got me scared and hiding has nothing to do with them.

image

It has to do with me, as a 4-5 year old girl.  I will never be able to forgive myself. So, if I cannot forgive myself — why the hell am I going to forgive you for hurting me too?

I wonder when I will ever be released from this hell?

image

I’m not sure if I will, but I surely do not have to punish other people for my struggles and my issues.

I have taken positive steps recently.  Reaching out to 5 different family members and apologizing for any hurt I have caused them.  Heaven help me to open my arms wider and extend this to friends as well.

image

Peace Out,

annebella_siggie

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Relationships and Forgiveness

  1. 1st and foremost you have to forgive yourself and make amends within your heart. I have found the only person you truly have to like & love is yourself.

    JAM – always with words of wisdom 😉

  2. Whatever you need to forgive yourself for, I’m sure you didn’t cold-heartedly murder anyone. And even cold-hearted murderers have been forgiven. Don’t you deserve a little better than that? I struggle with these kinds of things too but you have worded my feelings so much more eloquently than I ever could. And I realize it is easier for me to say this to you than to forgive myself too but I’ve decided that I deserve to treat myself as good as I would treat others. Why should we judge ourselves harsher than we judge others? I have to say I think it’s absolutely fabulous that you are reaching out to people who have hurt you and might be able to rebuild some of those relationships. Remember they don’t have to be the same relationships as they were and maybe they really shouldn’t be. It’s the people closest to us who can cause the most hurt and I think that is why family and close friend betrayals are the worst. But it takes a brave and strong person to be the one to reach out and I admire you so much for doing it. You inspire me to keep working on myself too! Love you and hope it goes better than you expect!
    MAD. Your comment makes complete and 110% sense. But, when I’m hardwired this way it makes “catching it” that much harder – although I do try. I did reach out and apologize to several family members. Only one has not responded and with age comes wisdom; that is her right and her choice. I’m so glad I have you! Thank you for listening to me. God bless you sweet dear friend of mine! XOXOXO HUGS XOXOXOXOX Here’s to continued growth! For all of us ♥

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s