He definitely loved me, BEFORE it was the cool thing to do….

I’ve been married for 21 years and I still have these wonderful feelings bursting inside me after all these years.  He and I met when I was 20 years old.  I had been burned before; he had never really been with anyone exclusively and by all outward appearances was handsome and sweet.  I had been with a few bad boys.  You know the type; they wanted to control my every move.  I gobbled that attention up because I was young, naive, stupid as hell and it translated to me that they loved me. *Here’s where I could write a novel about an underlying condition, but choose not to as it is much too personal- so before I go making myself out to be completely shallow or just a shell of a girl, I was- and there is good reason.  This is why this man of mine is sooo important to me- he saved me, he saved my life as I often thought of taking my own from a young age.  He saved my life and saved me from myself*  Continuing on, they (2 boyfriends from the past) were jealous and controlling because they loved me SO MUCH, or why else were they being so guarded and protective?  I never was a cheater.  If any guy even looked at me, my boyfriend would have punched them in the head.   It never crossed my mind that they were insecure, abusive, and didn’t trust me most likely because they were untrustworthy themselves.

So, when I was introduced to my husband on a blind date I resisted a bit because he was nice.  Nice was the equivalent of boring to me back in the day.  Nice, meaning considerate and giving and why was he being so nice?  Why was he so interested in getting to know me?  The question swirling around my head was what the hell does this guy want?  There are a lot of girls that were just like me, they wanted the bad boy, the drama, the break-ups and the intense make-ups.  But when He ♥ came along I wasn’t ready.  His being nice to me was completely foreign and left me skeptical, and being ignorant to what is important in life at the time; I was bored with it.

My ♥

I wasn’t over the previous heartbreak.  I didn’t lead my husband on or anything, he knew I was struggling with letting go of a complete piece of shit that didn’t love me anyway.  He definitely loved me, BEFORE it was the cool thing to do!  He loved me when I was a complete mess, not the cool chick you have come to know and love now-a-days, LOL!   I do not know how on earth he waited for me?  Yes, I was a beautiful young woman, but surely that cannot be why he waited?  I smoked, I drank like a fish, I was immature, and I ran from him.  What did he see?  I even got into a huge fight at a Denny’s late one night with a girl while on a double date with him and another couple.  We’re talking full blown cat fight, the claws were out.  This girl at another table poured a strawberry shake on top of my head as I sat in the booth trying to sober up with a cup of coffee.  Neither he, nor the other couple that we were hanging out with that night had been drinking.  It was just me, in my own world singing “Hare Krishna” and evidently not everyone appreciated my singing.  The next thing I knew I had a shake poured on my head by this girl who didn’t think I was as cute as He ♥ did.  A scuffle ensued, eyes were poked, and punches were thrown.  I was even cornered by a Bible banger in the bathroom.  The woman holding the Bible told me I was saved, I told her she better get the *bleep* out of my face.  The strawberry shake assailant left, and if I remember correctly I was yelling wildly after exiting the bathroom, “WHERE IS SHE, I’m GONNA KILL HER!”  He ♥ begged me to calm down before we got kicked out, or worse, arrested.   “Why would WE get kicked out?  SHE started it”, I declared, hence the immature part I was telling you about earlier.  I really was a piece of work back in the day.

He was in love with me, but I wasn’t in love with him back.  I didn’t love myself either.  In fact, I hated myself.  I had no idea of what real love was.  I didn’t see any good in myself at all, didn’t have any hobbies, cares, or interests.  I didn’t think I had a thing to offer other than my outer beauty.  One day, at his wits end with me and my quest to find out what went wrong with my previous garbage relationship, he said, “I don’t care if you don’t go out with me, but whatever you do, don’t go out with that other jerk!”  I think that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me.  That day, by the Grace of God, I opened up and let him in. It didn’t take long for him to take up permanent residence in my heart.  It did, however, take a long time to share our first kiss.  He was nervous, he made me nervous, and I was terrified it would be a bad kiss that would wreck everything.  It took a long time for him to kiss me, but when he did I saw FIREWORKS!  This guy knew how to kiss, what was he holding out for?  Once I fell in love with this nice guy, there was no turning back.  Slowly but surely I learned how it felt to be with someone considerate and caring.  It was nice to be with someone who genuinely cared about me, my well being.  I’ve always been an affectionate and caring girlfriend; this just made me want to love him even more!  The truth is, I never knew what real love was until I met my husband. Never, not even close.

I learned after a short while, that he wasn’t “all nice and all sweet” to everyone, he was just sweet on ME.  Make no mistake, he was always friendly to other people but he had such a cool side I never knew existed.  There was not a boring thing about him.  He was competitive and had his own hobbies and interests.  He was my fierce protector, but in a different way, a normal way.  Like the time he and I were bike riding and I turned my head around to talk to him, lost my balance and plummeted off the sidewalk and was headed right off toward the cement high side of a retention pond with rock and water after a huge drop-off.  I still do not know how he did it but he grabbed the back of my bike and stopped me dead in my tracks.  I was THAT close to riding off a steep dangerous cement wall and could have been killed.  He is quick, and so very strong.  I wanted him at times to be a little jealous, but he is just not wired that way.  He was confident in himself and in me, which is a way better feeling than someone being jealous and questioning my honesty and integrity any day.  Turns out this sweet handsome young man of mine was solid and strong, in body and mind.  He held a good job and worked a lot of hours so the fact that we sat up talking on the phone all hours of the night was crazy.  It was so interesting getting to know him and what made him tick.  He was a hilarious character.  I never met anyone that made me laugh so much and I didn’t even have to be intoxicated.  In fact, I just stopped drinking all together.  He didn’t drink, my other friends didn’t, it was not necessary.

Still, in the back of my mind I didn’t trust him 100%.  I had to put him through some tests, the poor thing.  He passed everything I threw at him, every test with flying colors.  I was so sure he’d leave me, just walk away.  I tried to push him away, but he refused to go.  After we were married, I still tried to pick fights, even screaming and yelling.  I’d be storming down the hallway to our bedroom where I’d slam the door (temper tantrums much?) and there he would come, right on my heels jumping on the bed where I lay pouting but instead of arguing he’d just laugh and poke me and we’d both end up laughing.  Well, this was perplexing and yet at the same time, a welcomed relief.  Someone who DIDN’T want to fight with me?  What the hell?  This was nice……. real nice.  Scott and I were married in ’91 and had a son 6 months later.  Is this what real love was?  We didn’t have to fight to make-up.  There was more happiness than any bad, we clicked.  When he came home from work, I remember the hug followed by the whisper in my neck that he was so glad I was his.  There was no reason to fight, just more and more reasons to love him every single day.

He has literally watched me grow up over the years and stuck by my side through thick and thin.  I thought when we got married and had our first child that I’d be parenting by myself.  He would go to work and I’d do the whole thing at home, isn’t that the way it goes?  I’ll never forget him telling our son, “I love you” for the first time.  I had never heard him tell anyone else that before.  It melted my heart a little more.  Another time that sticks out in my mind was when he, our infant son, and I were hanging out in our family room and I didn’t have socks on the baby.  I didn’t think it was a big deal but he left and came back with some baby socks and put them on our son and said, “Here you go little man, we don’t want your little feet to get cold”.  I remember thinking, what?  You’re going to help me?  I wasn’t going to do this alone?  He cared about me, I knew this much but the love he had for his son and our little family unit was boundless.  Nothing he said, just pride in his eyes and a pride, love, and protection I could feel.  I really had a man that was going to be an equal partner for my life.  Yes, and he has been, we’ve had 3 beautiful children and he has loved and been as big a part of their life as I have.  If not more so.

In our time together, I’ve had many hobbies.  I’ve grown, branched out, learned new things, widened my horizons, and he’s been there to encourage me to evolve.  If I said, “I’d love to learn how to build web graphics” he’d be the first one researching which program to buy.  That had NEVER happened in any of my other relationships before.  Whether boyfriend or friend, nobody ever put me first.  If I needed a new computer with more memory, he’d be the first one grabbing the sale ad looking for a deal.  If we got a new car, he ALWAYS let me drive the nicer one.  He has always put me and the kids first – and happily so.  He has never acted like he was short changed nor has he ever complained.  When our oldest was 4 years old we had boy/girl twins.  This man worked so hard to support his family.  He’d go to work so early that the kids and I would still be sleeping and sadly, by the time he got home, they were already asleep for the night.  This went on for years to make ends meet.  I knew it killed him to not be able to see them every single day.  I felt so bad for him but he never complained.  There were mornings when he’d call me while the kids and I were at the park, and he’d say, “I took a loaf of bread out of the freezer this morning because I noticed that you didn’t have any out”.  This is just something so small but insanely sweet and thoughtful all at the same time.  And that is just one sweet kind-hearted act of hundreds that he bestows upon myself and the kids.

So, here we are, 22 years later and I can honestly say that I love him more now than I ever have.  Every single thing about him physically turns me on and mentally, his personality just sends me over the edge.  He is beautiful inside and out.  He see’s right through to my soul, regardless of what I’m saying- he always knows the truth of a situation.  And he tells me so.  I have never met a stronger man.  He is a pillar of strength.

Not only has he been good to us.  Over the years, his job has been solely physical and he had been working for the same company for 20+ years.  He only called in sick once for this company and it was because he was hospitalized.  Other times, he’d go to work sicker than a dog because there was just himself and his boss sharing the work load.  He drove a fuel truck and we became family to his boss and his family.  Over the years, he cared for that company as if it were his own.  Constantly handing out his business card, on the lookout for ways to expand and often times brought in new business on his own. Nobody asked him to.  He’s made hundreds of friendships over the years driving a fuel truck.  I always joke with him, “Telephone, Telegram, and Tele-Scott” because back in the day, he is how THE word spread throughout the day!

The economy took a crap, and it affected small businesses hard.  He was still working for that same company but when his boss suggested that he might be interested in working for a different company that had offered him a job, he knew it was time.  He took a HUGE pay cut and it was so scary going to work somewhere else.  All the safety we’d known since we were first married was out the door.  I personally, do not do “change” very well.  But, he did it – for our family.  It’s a family owned company but bigger than the one he previously worked for.  We never knew the benefits of a bigger company.

Even though he lost some money going in, there were some benefits that were there also.  Just as he knew, from over the years this was a great family company.  Good, honest, solid, people.  He’s been with them now for 5+ years.  But, you want to know what impressed me most about my husband?  There was an opening for part-time sales.  My husband applied.  And, they hired him.  He has been working his tail off and bringing in new accounts for 2 years now.  He is the type of man that was doing sales ALL ALONG anyway- handing out his card and putting in a good word for his new company from the get-go, because he does care.  More business for the company equals more job security for himself and for his fellow drivers.

So, not only am I writing this to talk about how much I love and appreciate him, I’m writing this to tell him HOW PROUD I am of his new position and what he has done with it.  I think anyone in sales has an idea of how hard it really is.  He was up to the challenge!  This is a man who didn’t even know how to write an email and is now making spread-sheets and quotes for his own customers.

I am an extremely complicated person but don’t think it took him long to figure me out.  Somehow he hung in there and cared enough to get to know the real me buried under a pile of hurt and insecurity.  There are times I feel like he knows me better than I know myself.

Still, my ♥ today, and always

I admire him.  I know my sons admire him and I hope and pray they are strong men for their wives one day because of this supreme example he has set for them.  I am amazed at the man I married and am so in love with him.  I’m so lucky to have him in our life.  As far as my kids and granddaughter are concerned- they are the luckiest people in this universe to have such an awesome father and grandpa.  There  is nothing he wouldn’t do for you.  Thank you for being the best husband a girl could ask for.  I love you Scott!


4 thoughts on “He definitely loved me, BEFORE it was the cool thing to do….

  1. Just beautiful, so glad you have this in your life to make up for the other stuff. I think you are wonderful always, calm or crazy, my favorite kind of mix. He’s lucky, too.

    @Pamajama: You’re my favorite kinda calm or crazy too 🙂 Thank you ♥

  2. Wow. This made me cry happy tears! You have come a loooong way, baby! But it was all worth the struggle to get where you are today. I feel like I’ve shared a similar journey so a lot of this resonates with me. Is there a switch we women have that it takes us so long to find and turn on to get “it?”. I honestly don’t know but the gratitude, acceptance and security found once you get it, makes everything so much better. I think once we do get it, we are happier with ourselves and can appreciate the good things so much more. Scott is smart to have stuck by you. He could see what you couldn’t back then and he knew it was worth it. Love to you both! ❤

    @Teeni: Yes, there is a switch. I think so anyway, I agree. Sometimes, it’s so hard to listen to a friend or loved one talk when their switch is still in the “down position” and they are wonderful, but don’t see it and ya just hope their switch goes on so they can see what everyone else can! In my case it took a long time and I’m still struggling, but better late than never 😉 Thank you Teeni! I think you are amazing too! XOXOXOXO

  3. What an amazing post. You are both truly blessed, with each other. ♥♥

    @Yankee Doodle Dandy: That’s not to ever say that we don’t have our ups and downs – nobody’s perfect – but I do so love this man ♥ Thank you!

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