So many things have been running through my mind. Friendships is one the biggest things I grapple with. Let me start off by saying that I see myself as a funny, kind, loving, friend who would bend over backwards for someone who I care about. Hey, I’d even bend for someone I don’t know.
I’ve never had a problem making/keeping friends my entire life. I was pretty easy-going. I was also a people pleaser. Maybe that’s why I never had a problem. Fast forward until I began my 30’s. Yeah, had some pretty tough “Friendship lessons”.
I would make a friend and put them on a pedestal. Almost mesmerized by all of their excellent qualities. Throw out the window that people go out of their way to shine through first impressions. Forget that other people would warn me, “Something is not right there”. Red flags? Ignored. Forge ahead until I shared too much, got too close, trusted to much, and put my heart out on the chopping block.
I went through this quite a few times, giving a little bit of my heart away each time. My kids would get attached to these newish friends, I would talk about them often in our home and my husband and kids felt like they knew them just through my stories. Then to be shocked at the aftermath of an ugly fall out.
That was 10 years ago. Fast forward to the person I have become today. Not only have I become bitter about dealing with issues from my childhood, heap on this assault of “friends”. You know that old saying, “With a friend like that, who needs enemies?”. ALL THOSE OLD SAYINGS ARE THERE FOR A REASON.
I am not the same person I was 10 years ago. I have been burned. Scorched actually over the years and my tolerance level is at rock bottom.
So, I don’t know if I’m grappling so much with friendship, or forgiveness? I’m starting to think it has more to do with my inability to forgive rather than the number of friends and family that have “hurt” me.
We are all just human. We all make mistakes. Yet, why cannot I not put things to rest? First it started with friends. Not the end of the world, not life long friends, just acquaintances from work that turned out to be the type of people I didn’t want to hang out with outside of work.
Then, my longtime best friend and I have become distant. We met in kindergarten.
Then, slowly – one by one, picking off my family members. Not randomly. Just maybe years of pent-up hurt and resentment, then they pull another stunt and snap! Another one bites the dust.
The thing is, I don’t know if a single one of them could ever be sorry enough to be in my good graces again. What is it that I’m looking for from them? I’ve written them off so much so, that when I think of them on occasion, or their name comes up – for a brief moment I wonder, … or think, remember when we use to be so close and all of the laughter and good times? It lasts for about 10 seconds and suddenly the thoughts are smothered with a black tarp, covering it up and kicking it too. And I’m thankful that they are out of my life. WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?
I’m protecting myself, but from what?I
I know that what friends and family have done to me ARE forgivable. But I don’t know how I ever will be able to because what’s got me scared and hiding has nothing to do with them.
It has to do with me, as a 4-5 year old girl. I will never be able to forgive myself. So, if I cannot forgive myself — why the hell am I going to forgive you for hurting me too?
I wonder when I will ever be released from this hell?
I’m not sure if I will, but I surely do not have to punish other people for my struggles and my issues.
I have taken positive steps recently. Reaching out to 5 different family members and apologizing for any hurt I have caused them. Heaven help me to open my arms wider and extend this to friends as well.