Missing you ~ my Love

I miss you my smart, silly, wonderfully-beautiful-inside-and-out granddaughter,

Sweetness

I love you so much!

I wish you lived closer so we could do all the things I dream of TOGETHER …

             ♥ coloring

            ♥ walking

            ♥ going to the park

            ♥ arts and crafts

            ♥ bedtime stories

            ♥ nursery rhymes

            ♥ taking care of you, only the way a grandma can

            ♥ singing you the songs that my mama used to sing to me

            ♥ teaching you about letters, colors, shapes

            ♥ taking you to the zoo to teach you about wildlife

            ♥ hugging you

            ♥ bathing you

            ♥ kissing you

            ♥ telling you that I love you everyday – so you never forget

I love you Aniya!  My sweet baby girl.

Reach inside me Lord….

Please Lord Jesus help me find a way

to let go and not be afraid

I am only a shell of the person I use to be

but supposedly you know that better than me

If you know, please take away all of the guilt and pain

that over the years, has caused me to lose my way

Please Lord, I beg you to pitch your tent in my heart

Please made it sturdy so it will never fall apart

Be near me when I feel alone, come inside my heart and make a home.

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Relationships and Forgiveness

So many things have been running through my mind.  Friendships is one the biggest things I grapple with.  Let me start off by saying that I see myself as a funny, kind, loving, friend who would bend over backwards for someone who I care about.  Hey, I’d even bend for someone I don’t know.

I’ve never had a problem making/keeping friends my entire life.  I was pretty easy-going.  I was also a people pleaser.  Maybe that’s why I never had a problem.  Fast forward until I began my 30’s.  Yeah, had some pretty tough “Friendship lessons”.

I would make a friend and put them on a pedestal.  Almost mesmerized by all of their excellent qualities.  Throw out the window that people go out of their way to shine through first impressions.  Forget that other people would warn me, “Something is not right there”.  Red flags?  Ignored.  Forge ahead until I shared too much, got too close, trusted to much, and put my heart out on the chopping block.

I went through this quite a few times, giving a little bit of my heart away each time.  My kids would get attached to these newish friends, I would talk about them often in our home and my husband and kids felt like they knew them just through my stories.  Then to be shocked at the aftermath of an ugly fall out.

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That was 10 years ago.  Fast forward to the person I have become today.  Not only have I become bitter about dealing with issues from my childhood, heap on this assault of “friends”.  You know that old saying, “With a friend like that, who needs enemies?”.  ALL THOSE OLD SAYINGS ARE THERE FOR A REASON.

I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.  I have been burned.  Scorched actually over the years and my tolerance level is at rock bottom.

So, I don’t know if I’m grappling so much with friendship, or forgiveness?  I’m starting to think it has more to do with my inability to forgive rather than the number of friends and family that have “hurt” me.

We are all just human.  We all make mistakes.  Yet, why cannot I not put things to rest?  First it started with friends.  Not the end of the world, not life long friends, just acquaintances from work that turned out to be the type of people I didn’t want to hang out with outside of work.

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Then, my longtime best friend and I have become distant.  We met in kindergarten.

Then, slowly – one by one, picking off my family members.  Not randomly.  Just maybe years of pent-up hurt and resentment, then they pull another stunt and snap!  Another one bites the dust.

The thing is, I don’t know if a single one of them could ever be sorry enough to be in my good graces again.  What is it that I’m looking for from them?  I’ve written them off so much so, that when I think of them on occasion, or their name comes up – for a brief moment I wonder, … or think, remember when we use to be so close and all of the laughter and good times?  It lasts for about 10 seconds and suddenly the thoughts are smothered with a black tarp, covering it up and kicking it too.  And I’m thankful that they are out of my life.  WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

I’m protecting myself, but from what?I

I know that what friends and family have done to me ARE forgivable.  But I don’t know how I ever will be able to because what’s got me scared and hiding has nothing to do with them.

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It has to do with me, as a 4-5 year old girl.  I will never be able to forgive myself. So, if I cannot forgive myself — why the hell am I going to forgive you for hurting me too?

I wonder when I will ever be released from this hell?

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I’m not sure if I will, but I surely do not have to punish other people for my struggles and my issues.

I have taken positive steps recently.  Reaching out to 5 different family members and apologizing for any hurt I have caused them.  Heaven help me to open my arms wider and extend this to friends as well.

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Peace Out,

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…and I’m all-right with that

Nobody to share my thoughts with, so they sit up high and I’m all right with that.  Like balloon filled thoughts; some beautiful, some not – floating up until I can no longer see them in the distance.

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A lone cup of coffee, more thoughts of how beautiful the earth and all its natural wonders are and nobody to share that with but I’m all right with that.  The trees alone swaying back and forth steal my attention – I’m happily distracted by them.

The injustices of selfish self-centered people surrounds me but I will not say a word, I just have to know that I will not succumb to it – I will watch it in silence and I have to be all right with that.

Layered earth so lovely; dirt, rock, greenery, slate, tall grasses, creeping vines, and my favorite- tree’s outstretched creating a canopy with the solitary sounds of nature coming together in a cadence of splendor and I am more than all right with that.    A myriad of textures, sights, smells, and sounds which is music to my senses.

A prayer to rise above the fray.

I have been trying to reconcile an ugly reality in life, in my mind ~ for months now. It has to do with friendships; or more specifically, the end of what I thought was a good one. It’s a done deal. It’s over. I feel a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and yet at the same time an unsettling feeling to watch someone drag it out and try their best to bring me down.

HATE

I have written at least 4 drafts of this post in an attempt to rid myself of this pain my heart that I’m left with as a result of our hateful parting of ways. I know I’m better off without this person and those that surround her.

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I’m not passive aggressive nor am I afraid. I have no problem defending myself or those I love. Thing is, I’ve had an epiphany of sorts and I think instead of dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s – I need to remember that this is not my job. People are going to continue to talk and the people who believe the lies about me aren’t worthy of my friendship anyway.

Friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime

It’s not that you’re gone that has me upset. It’s the fact that you just cannot let it be. Your continual need to bring others in and stir the pot. I have to know, once and for all that I cannot control what you do and say – I can only control my reaction to your games.

And I pray to God in Heaven for the continued strength to rise above the fray and please help me to let this go. I want change. I guess in the past my way of releasing the pain was to lash out and make the truth be heard. God is watching all. I have to turn it over to him. This has always been particularly hard for me so I’m praying right now for clarity.

Getting to know you.

1. If you’re on my friends list, I want to know 35 things about you. I don’t care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine.

2. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionnaire on your own journal if you wish. 

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?  Why, yesh- yesh I sure am.

02) What was your dream growing up?  To be Wonder Woman.

03) What talent do you wish you had?  Playing an instrument, the piano would be nice.

04) If you walked into a Convenient (think 7-11, Quickie Mart, Whatever) and bought yourself a drink, what would it be?  Coffee.

05) Favorite vegetable?  Eggplant (sautéed of course)

06) What was the last book you read?  Life of Pi

07) What zodiac sign are you?  Aquarius, but I really don’t pay it any attention.

08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.  Yes, on the back of my neck, it says “Scott ~ God made you just for me”.  Because, he did.

09) Worst Habit?  Cursing.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?  I don’t know.

11) What is your favorite sport?  I don’t really like sports much.

12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?  I don’t know anymore, I’m in transition.  I’m heading toward pessimistic but fighting to stay optimistic.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?  Fart.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?  I cannot say.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.    I write with my left hand.  BUT, if you put me in front of a chalk board with a piece of chalk in each hand.  I can place my chalk on the board side by side, and write BACKWARD with my left hand, and FORWARD (regular) with my right hand – simultaneously.

16) Do you have any pets?  Yes, two sweet Dachshunds. 

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?  You probably would have woken me up, my house would be a mess.

18)  What kind of impression do you think you leave with others?  I’m warm and friendly.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?  They are definitely not cute, but I think they are funny.

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?  I wouldn’t have glasses.  I’d have 20/20 vision.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?  Your conscience.

22) What color eyes do you have?  Blue.

23) Ever been arrested?  Um, nope.

24) Bottle or can soda?  Bottle.

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?  Pay off debt.  Give some to loved ones and friends.

26) What’s your favorite place to hang out at?  My home.

27) Do you believe in ghosts?  Not really.

28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?  Sleep.

29) Do you swear a lot?  A ton.

30) Biggest pet peeve?  Small minded people.

31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?  unpredictable.

32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?  I do.

33) Favorite and least favorite food?  Favorite = anything Mexican.  Least favorite, liver.   Ick.

34) Do you believe in God?  Wholeheartedly.
 
35) Are you making any New Year’s resolutions for 2013?  Absolutely.  I will let things go.  I will be a non-reactor.  Remind myself that things are only as import as I want them to be.  Love more, swear less, FORGIVE and learn to let it be.

I’ve been a BAD Auntie

Times ARE busy and as I wrote in my previous post that it feels like time is in fast forward.  I work the night shift and live on the opposite end of the clock so to speak.  To make matters worse, I am a miserable procrastinator.  But, when it comes to my 3 little nephews and missing their Birthdays repeatedly, that is just unacceptable and pathetic.   We live in different states and unfortunately my sister and I do not talk often, but I love them all so much and there is no excuse.  I feel horrible.  But instead of feeling horrible and doing absolutely nothing about it, tonight I got a great start on what will be a “Happy Belated Birthday Care Package” to all three of them.

My three little Amigos.

Julian just celebrated his 10th and I missed it, but truth be told- I’ve missed them all so I decided to make a card for each of them.  The smallest card is only 4″ X 2.5″.  LOL!

Inside is a personalized note for each along with a tiny bit of cash.  Then I will bundle up some little goodie bags and get them out no later than this coming weekend.  No excuses!

Love Notes

I’m excited at the prospect of them being happy, of telling them what they mean to me so they know how special they are in my heart.  Life is short and it’s never to late to reach out and tell someone how much you love them.